Soft, kinky, tussles of mocha brown loose waves collide with a satin pillow case that has absorbed more tears of sorrow than joy since its purchase. A smooth cocoa cheek now rests upon the hill of cotton filled fabric, its owner collapsed once again on her side facing a blank wall sulking more on the inside than out. She can no longer bring herself to cry because the circumstance in all reality her fault. Heartbreak knocks over and over again and the door is answered willingly each time in an attempt to make the best out of the false love of her life. The woman had made a decision, years ago, to pass on he who had truly loved her, a good man willing to exchange his life for her. The conversations they shared were vibrant, pure, flirtatious, yet never perverse. He loved her, she loved him, she fought it, she shunned him.  He promised her the world and she knew he was a man of his word. His flaws: over two decades of age separated them, he was square not her typical type, too rigid in religion…she could never conform to that. So she let him go that he could move on, to marry another, to start the family she knew he deserved. Now in a regretful sorrow the bitter dark chocolate beauty probes her brain in hopes of an escape from self condemnation. Her current beau is a good man, decent, respectful to a certain degree, has a job, not a thug, but not a square, good looking, and she enjoys being with him…so she can settle, she’s validated and no one can chastise her for being without a strong pair of arms. Matters not that his affection towards her flickers on and off in comparison to an outdated lamp bulb. One day he’s in love, the next week he his distant, silent, no words, no sweet caresses, only cold body language. It’s ok, she can dismiss the ongoing grudges from months past he carries against her only to bring up at any disagreement she expresses towards him. The ones that subliminally say to her,” You did this to me, and I’m still with you…so deal with it and be glad I haven’t left yo triflin a**”, piercing her heart each time. It’s fine, she can handle it. He is a good man and she needs to hold on to him so she constantly keeps herself in a place of blame for their faulted relationship and strives to be his perfection. Yet still she remembers her true sweetheart, that man whom truly loved her every fault and blemish, the one whom had already counted her as perfect. A soft knock on her bedroom door jerks her out of memory lane and she finds herself smiling softly. One last salt water tear rolls down the familiar cocoa mound of flesh and falls to its destiny of staining the satin pillowcase. She has an assurance that she will never truly be loved again but its okay, she can settle, she has a good man. Her long shapely legs slip into her man’s favorite lavender silk nighty and prepare to meet him, to please him, to be somewhat loved by him.

Guilt can cause a person, especially a woman with a broken heart, to act in unseemingly ways often resulting in settling for what she thinks she deserves. The main conflict to be noticed in this scenario is that the woman admits to herself that she had pure love but passed on the opportunity and gathered a conclusion in her mind that she would never be loved again, so this man is as good as it gets. No doubt he is a good man but he is emotionally abusive which can be worse than actual physical abuse. Emotional abusive is a topic that the Black community has shunned and pushed to the back of the shelf for probably centuries. As a woman it is possible to have a companion who really does love us to the best of their ability, who is a good provider, a gentleman and family man…all in all he has a good head on his shoulders but there is one crucial glitch. He does not know how to forgive or communicate which causes him to act out, sometimes knowingly (passive aggressive) or unknowingly. We all have habits and especially in relationships when getting to really know each other it is easy to bump heads and offend our mate. Of course the majority of women are willing to talk things out right then and there with her man to get it out the way and move forward in loving each other but on the contrary most men, especially our Black brothers, hold things in and begin to act out unresolved issues rather than bring them directly to his woman’s attention. For example if his feeling were hurt by something his lady did, he might just withdraw and stop speaking to a point. His affection turns cold and he then just goes through the motions of being in a relationship, the sweet little heartfelt extras cease and the compassion leaves his voice. These actions have such a massive impact on a woman’s psyche that it can cause her to doubt her womanhood and worth altogether because in actuality because of lack of communication, she doesn’t even know she did anything wrong. So the resolution, get counseling, or calmly bring it to his attention how his actions make you feel. If there is no commitment to marriage yet, count up the costs. Is he willing to change after you have sensibly made it known to him how his withdrawn and/or mentally abusive actions affect you as a person? Do you notice consistent efforts that he is trying to change? This is why it is pertinent to have a close relationship with God the Father so that the Holy Spirit may comfort and guide you on the right path past your own emotions which tend to entrap rather than set free. Every woman has a will to choose who they are with but in the end, or should I say from the beginning…God knows exactly who you are, what you need, and who He has ordained for you.